My girlfriend is she perfect? No but she’s as close to it as anyone will ever get. She has no clue that I put her in all my equations of what my life will turn out to be. She doesn’t know that I care about her well being, and about her feelings. Not one time in our relationship have I felt that I…
I’m getting to that point in which you hate. The point of cutting, again. I know it’s horrible and that it scars up my body. I know god hates it when I do it, but I just don’t know how else to make myself feel better. I just fall into depression so quick, it seems almost impossible to get out. Smoking helps, yes, but I only have so much money. I really hate that I have such a low self esteem, and I never in my life thought that I would cut, but shit happens. I know you hate it and I wish I wouldn’t, but I just feel the need to sometimes. I just need to cry. Blah. Idk what I’m typing anyways. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I’m done with the fucks now. Fuck. Haha I lied. WHY AM I SO DEPRESSED???????????!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?! I need a therapist, like asap. Too bad I can’t tell my mom that I cut myself, or she’d freak outt. Dude, she would send me to a therapist for real. We don’t have enough money. Another depressing thing: money and the everlasting need for it. Fuck.
I absolutely hate being ignored for a stupid fucking phone. It pisses me off when you come over to my house to hang out with me and all you ever do is get on your phone. I understand if your mom dad or friend texts/calls you and you reply/answer. But when you’re up there playing games 24/7 and you take my charger to charge your phone 3 times a day, then there’s a fucking problem. Ik that I’m not all that important but I think I’m more important than a damned game. I mean, seriously? If you want to play on your phone all damn day, then by all means, go for it. But don’t come over to Kyle house just to fucking play your fucking games. I’m about to fucking snap on your ass about this. Straighten the fuck up! Ughhhh.
So I ditch you yesterday jut like you ditch me, but worse. My mom is trying to control my life. I understand that shes just trying to give me advice, but its annoying. I got notched at until I was sick by her bc all thethings she said was true, but I dont wanna believe it. I like you a lot. You cried last night bc of the thought of me giving your ring back. I don’t have it, and you don have it. Joey has it and I have no clue when I can get it back. At least we both agree that fighting is back and that we should be able to talk everything out. So f*** what the world says about us. I’m doing what I want I’m going to put myself first for once.
So my moms pissed at you, hunters pissed at you, I’m pissed at you. Basically everybodys pissed at you. You don’t know this though. You call me a whore, don’t give me any attention, act like a 14 year old (as my mom says), and ditch me? You think this would give me enough reason to break up with you. But its not. I like you A LOT but I think you’re just to stupid to notice. The reason I hang out with a whole bunch of guys is because 1 I don’t get enough of attention from you and 2 you hang out with other girls. Not in groups either, just one on one. So of course what you get to do I get to do. I’m not going to have another Chris. You ask me “baby what are you doing?” And I reply “hanging with hunter” then you say “okay. Have fun” my response..? “Don’t worry, I will.” Yes its supposed to piss you off, and it did. You don’t even care enough that when you respond “wow oh okay” to even bother seeing whats going on. I’m just trying to give you a reality check but if you don’t want to see it then its not my problem. Idk what to do with you. Being the nice person I am I want to work things out. I have a very low self esteem, and you should be helping me by making it better not worse. As downtown fiction once said: “thanks for nothing kiss my ass” well honey that songs for you. As for Willie, just bc I don’t like you and you like me doesn’t mean when you see me you can go run your mouth to my ex saying that I’m hanging with hunter. Then go and tell andy (I assume you did bc why else would he text me baby what are you doing randomly bc I know him). I want to say I’m sorry that I don’t like you but that’s a lie, bc I’m not sorry. Lastly, Chris you don’t own me anymore. You have no right to be pissed at me for hanging out with hunter. Just face it yall aren’t going to be friends anymore and you don’t control me anymore. I got out of our relationship for a reason. Leave me alone and ill leave you alone. Fuck with me one more time and you’ll regret it.
The first thing we did was come onside and he watched me play one small round of canasta, it lasted for 5 minutes. Then we went upstairs to my bonus room to watch tv. He turns the tv on to his stupidass show. Then you play on my phone for a fucking hour while I’m watching the dumbass show. Finally you put the phone down and I try to get you to kiss me by pulling you on the floor, which you let me fall. But then you get right back on the couch ignoring me. I hit you on the ass hard, to try to get your attention. This pisses you off and you ignore me for 5 minutes. Then you go into my bedroom and still haven’t kissed me. We talk for a few minutes then, to try to get your attention again I tickle you. Wrong. You get mad and make me go on omegle for 30 minutes and watch people jack off and let two girls hit on me. Then you are flirting with one girl whose trying to “have fun” which I don’t want too. Then I put the computer away and were laying in my bed again, kiss for a total of 10 minutes then you decide you want to leave to check out a stupid party that I didn’t know about and wasn’t invited to. Fuck you. I’m about ready to break up with your ass because I have a guy willing to do anything for me and give me plenty of fucking attention. You barely give me any attention and it hurts me. I don’t want to make things awkward during soccer though, so I can’t. We’ve done things that would also make my mind to stay with you. But just to let you know, I don’t feel wanted or needed. So maybe you should listen to the country song Wanted by Hunter Hayes. That explains exactly how I want to feel. Take me somewhere to prove your not ashamed of me. I don’t feel cared about at all. You can’t just at one month say “Tiana, I think I love you.” And then not give a fuck about me. Get your feelings straight and show me what you feel. I’m tired of having to run to other people just for attention.
Just bc I care doesn’t mean I’m going to show it. I do actually love and care about you so much its stupid. But you can’t know that. It would kill me bc then you would know my weakness. I’ve already been hurt before in the past and have my gaurd up. I don’t want this relationship to end even though im killing myself trying to please you, or well myself bc I feel like I’m not good enough for you. You could have almost anybody and you choose me, but why? I JUST WANT TO FUCKING KNOW WHY. And then you sit there and tell me about you past relationships and how many girls you’ve kissed and it PISSES ME OFF. Just bc I don’t act jealous doesn’t mean that I’m not. I know I hang out with other guys and I know you trust me and I want to trust you but my past doesn’t help. I just want to UNDERSTAND.
So I hate to admit this but yes I do get jealous when you talk to other girls. Just the same way you feel when I talk to other guys. I guess I don’t relaize how much it affects you until you see it happening. I’m sorry. I know you can’t see this which is why I love tumblr.
Okay so I know that everyone has that one piece of clothing that they love to death but is the ugliest thing obser planet earth. Sarah and I just love the ugliest fucking sweaters ever. We can’t help our desire to want to wear these sweaters bc I know that it may be the ugliest fucking thing you’ve seen in your life but when you put it on its like Jesus. Its the moat comfortable nothing fucking thing ever. You will never feel better in any other piece of clothing. Its warm, protective, soft, fuzzy, and just makes you feel good. :)